BLOB

Honestly I don’t understand about our relationship. Sometime we like just a friend. Sometime we like more than friend. And sometime we like a stranger.

The way how you treat me have differences. When you are with your friends especially men you will treat me like I am stranger, you like keep a distance. When you are with your women friends, you'll tell them if I am just you friend. You'll admit me as your girl only in your family circle. Or when you are with me only you’ll recognize me for who I am. Is it true? Or only me who felt like that.

I don’t know the reason behind that. Maybe I am too stupid to could guess what exactly your reason is. Till today I am not really know you with your mind. I don’t able to swim cross your mind, cross your heart and see what your thoughts are. I can’t.. 

I want to know. But you don’t let me come in you’re the deepest heart nor mind. You tell me something that I should know, ya general things only. It’s enough. To more detail, specific things or maybe like a secret you’ll keep only for yourself. You can’t openly say “baby I feel bla bla bla. I want you… I want our relationship.. I hope us.. I…” you just let me guess, let me over think with my dumb thinking. It’s so weird I am too much thinking the things that I don’t really know there is exist or not.

Why you always treat me like that. You come and go. You really want me? You want to be with me? Do you need me? Do you still love? Are you happy be with me? Do you won’t fight to get something worth? Or am I not worth enough for you?

Don’t you know how suffer I am. Keep my mind to be positive thinking no matter what. Think everything going to be ok. Just be patient time will come, time will tell the truth. The world will know then. 

To tell you something that I think I feel nowadays I am not confidence. After I said so many things to you then you’ll response me with little answer. Me too afraid my words aren’t meant at all coz all my words are nonsense.  I am dumb thinker  nah?

I knew both of us are busy now. Indeed I see it well. I understand your situation. You are high student. You have tasks every day, paper every week, presentation and soon. I can accept you with your rat race. One thing that I cannot accept is why you didn’t give your little time. I don’t ask your whole day. Only a minute your rest time, inform me if you are ok or if you don’t fine tell me why. When I keep quiet, don’t complain nor angry at you. It doesn’t mean I am fine. It doesn’t mean I am not worry about you. I just give you time and give myself time also to trying more understanding you. “You are tired. You are busy. Let give him time alone. Don’t disturb him” I used to be keeping positive thinking. And tell to myself, wait for him, he’ll text me later he’ll come if he have free time.”

But you just break and break my hope. You didn’t come. When you come u just come for a minute or sometime you didn’t leave a message for me. then booomm I angry then it’s your time to pacify me. only when I angry you are conscious you have someone who live so far away that need you. suddenly you have time for me. you will use your own way to pacify me, make me dnt angry anymore, make me forgive you. after that the situation back to normal, I was good again then then then…You do the same.

Words just words..all my words are nonsense. They don’t mean anything; they don’t give effect or foot print in your heart. You’ll think you don’t know anything and I just blaming you. I know who I am, nothing…

I have some questions for you. You meant to me. I don’t know what I meant to u? Do you love me the same? Are you happy be with me? Am I so weird when I am angry? What the first thing that u gonna do? Did you bore? You bored listen to me?  Are you tired cause I often scolding you n complaining continuously..? Are you happy being with me? Do I too demand you? Asked your time too much? Asked to be your priority? Asked you to care for me? Give full attention for me? Don’t ignore me? Keep my heart and soon? Don’t flirt? Etc etc.. I demand u??

I miss u madly baby. Now I am like crazy.. or even I already crazy for you. I am missing the old us.. I really miss that. Where you go??? You left me cruelly. You gone without said goodbye or tell me the reasons are. You just left big pain in my deepest heart. More hurt than you got cut by knife. Why you always treat me like that? You do all the things that you like. You get everything you want. Leave me ruthlessly and you’ll back anytime you want. You made like I am an idiot.

Have u ever think when you do that you will hurt a girl who ever be yours? Have u ever think what will be I am after you do that on me? Have you? No you don’t! You don’t ever care. You don’t ever felt guilty at all. Cause if you ever did those things, you’ll never have the heart to deceive me. You just care about your happiness, cares on your perfect life. 

Why why why??? If you bored, I you don’t happy be with me, if you found someone better than me, someone who perfect that can complete your life. Tell me, we can break up well.

Did you know? My heart is only one.. I have small brain.. And I live just once..

My heart is only one and I have been given it to you. Cause for me, you are the right one. There is not space for others. Cause it already filled with one name-one love, it’s you.

I have small brain but I used it to thinking about you. “What he is doing? He is good? Is he getting ill cause sore throat, headache, or his belly ache? He eats well? Sleep tight? Now what he have problem there? is he happy?” Those little things always run on my mind all the time, even in the gap of my bustle. Cause I care for you. You meant to me…

I live just once. Moreover, I want to use it to live with the man who I loved the most. Spending rest my time with you, the man who gave the real meaning of life. I wanna accompany you. Sitting next to you, be your side in good and worst situation. Together with you through everything, up and down of life.I am stupid enough or what, but doesn’t matter u hurt me I still don’t have any courage to live without u.

I wanna be nice girl for you. I accompany you through hard day. I support you, pray for you, and gave all my cares. I hope we can use this chance better. Don’t hurt each other anymore. We grow up, more mature face the each problems. Stronger face intruders. And then braver to take all the risks in our relationship. I don’t asked u to make promises. I just ask to never letting my tears falling on my face, can u? Don’t deceive me. never try to cheat on me. don’t be a liar. All those things that I hate the most. I’ll never forgive if you do. I’ll go to anywhere that u can’t find me. I dnt talk to u forever ever.